Jehovah’s Witnesses came to my door to comfort me with words of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.
You see, it’s like this: Fresh from the hospital with my new bundle of joy, there came a knock on the door. Monster and I were just getting in to our routine together: we nursed, we napped, we pooed, we napped… I was a disheveled, barely awake woman with boobs out constantly. I answered that knock and much to my dismay (and slight embarrassment) it was a stranger. A short woman wearing bright clothing, toting a messenger bag was standing on my porch. Her face was kind and familiar (she resembled an old family friend). She smiled and ga-ga-ed over my fresh little bundle. She introduced herself as Bonnie and asked our names. “I see you are busy right now, but can I leave this information with you?” My boobs, baby and I didn’t see an issue with taking a pamphlet.
And it wasn’t an issue. Or so I thought…
She came back a few months later. Bonnie must have taken notes because she knew mine and Monster’s names. Well played Bonnie. This time we chatted a little bit longer.
(I know it is generally hard to tell on this blog, but I am a nice person by nature. I don’t ignore people well. I buy shit when you come to my door and catch me off guard, especially if you are a small and adorable child. *fuck*)
This meeting was still short and relatively pain-free. Again, it was just me and Monster (Mr W was at work). What was I supposed to do. After these impromptu sermons, I forget about Bonnie and her friends. I have a life (sort of). I guess they have a habit of coming by the house when I’m not home. Hubs let me know how he dealt with them “Nope, not interested.” *walks away, closes door* Where the fuck was he the first time!?!? You see, I am already invested, so I can’t just turn it off now.
This is the first your hearing about my new friends because it ha gotten worse. They came to the door last night. Bonnie, with her bright clothes and messenger bag, busted out the pamphlets and the bible. I stood on the porch as she read to me from the pamphlet and referred to her bible, to ensure that I understood.
Here is her message from last night (sort of):
Isn’t it comforting to know that God will reawaken the dead to live here on Earth? (What? seriously? You think it is comforting that he is going to bring the Zombie Apocalypse to us?!?! What the fuck? And all of a sudden my brain is seeing AMC’s “The Walking Dead,” but I’m not cool enough to be a main character. I’m barely cool enough to be one of the hordes of Zombies and I’m short so the camera guy would never even see me…. Shit.)
Jesus woke Lazarus from the dead. He was dead four days before Jesus, Martha and Mary arrived at the grave site. (Fuck, Mr W. get the guns, the Zombie suspenders, the machetes…. Shit. We don’t have any of that. Damn we are not prepared…. *yells at hubs – thought I told you we need a fucking kit for this kind of shit, and you know tornadoes….* We are totally unprepared for tornadoes so you know we are totally fucked when it comes to this!)
Isnt it comforting to know that the dead will return to Earth to live? Did you know that? (NO! *biting tongue, holding back laughter* Thinking of the Bloggess and the Zombies and then her giant cock at the door “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHER FUCKER. Man what I wouldn’t give to have a giant metal chicken at the door rather than weird Zombie sermons.)
Can we come back next week to discuss point 2? *saying sure, thinking FUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK*. Brain flashes. I must get advice…. Who to turn to? Oh yes, Twitter can help. Must ask @DMTFace. Maybe she has WUELITA advice for me or maybe she will just act like her advice came from Wuelita and spell it phonetically for me so that it is fun to read….
So now Bonnie and friends are coming back next Tuesday around 7 pm…
Hubs laughed at me and said that it was my own fault. He explained to Monster that I’ll be safe from the floods and raptures and such as I was now a Jehovah’s Witness. Apparently, and this is according to him, it only takes 3 visits from them (maybe 5) and then you are one…. HMMM.